Monday, March 17, 2008

Barbies for Atlanta

"Buckhead Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at Phipps Plaza. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Towne Lake Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Clayton County Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Alpharetta Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them!

"Dawsonville Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Conyers Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"South Atlanta Barbie"

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Peachtree Street Barbie/Ken"

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

I hope you all start your collections soon!


Teri said...

Ooooooo! I likey. Still trying to figure out which Barbie I am....

Anonymous said...

What the FRICK! I can't stand that they automatically pair a homemaker with a fuckin' minivan. I can't WAIT to get rid of mine. So sick of it.

The Lawyer's Wife said...

I will take a back order on the Phipps Barbie ... and since she comes with all the fun stuff I will not be needing Ken. I am thinking I will probably get some cute young thing while I am shopping around town! Hee Hee!

Anonymous said...

So funny! A friend sent me something similar but for Pittsburgh a few months ago - but she didn't have these fabulous pictures. Hysterical!

Mom on the Run said...

That's been updated since I last saw it. A really funny guy from our church added a really local one that was hilarious....a lot like Towne Lake Barbie, I think she had a Honda Odyssey, a JLCM sticker and fish symbol or something. It was funny.

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

Holy crap. That is fu-nny!

:) Can't figure out which one I am.

Hair Girl said...

Mom on the run- I know that girl!

Clemsongirl- Aren't we all a mixture of Buckhead, Townelake and Alpharetta. Its called the "Marietta Barbie"- the perfect blend of Uppity Bitch and Home Cookin'.

Mom on the Run said...

Yeah, we're definitely a mixture of those three. DOTR wavers between workaholic and perfectly useless Ken.

I drive a little car now, though, because 3 of my 4 kids have cars. I kissed minivans and SUV's goodbye awhile back. Don't need a Hummer.

Anonymous said...

MOTR - No one needs a Hummer. ;-)

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I am laughing out loud- too funny!

Cynical Nymph said...

Way late on this, but does the Conyers Barbie come with penicillin for her syphilis? (OMG do you remember that??)

This may be one of the few things that helps me NOT miss Atlanta so much. (I grew up between Buckhead and Vinings, for the record, and went to Christ the King and St. Pius. Good times, good times.)